Alright so nobody reads this stupid thing, but it is a means for me to vent and type out what I am thinking since I can interact with a computer better than I can a humanbeing. Recently, well honestly since I went to a bachelor party, my relationship with my wife has not been the greatest. I need a cousiling session with my pastor Uncle, but I hate bugging him because he’s busy and he is a pastor so there are a lot of other, more imporatant, things he needs to be doing beside listening to me bitch about how my wife and I are not as sexual as I want and that I am sleeping at my parents and that I am addicted to my computers and that I am contimplating divorce and that I am afriad my wife might go nuts and keep me from my children and that I am also afraid of paying an arm and a leg for child support and that maybe this all due to the house we are living in because it is a piece of shit because it doesn’t have central heat and air so only rooms with air conditioners in them are cool enough to even venture into which leaves the kitchen, my wife and I’s room and my oldest’s room. There is paneling ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE and I am not exagurating, every single wall has paneling… even in the bedrooms. The kitchen sink is always full of dishes because we don’t have a dish washer and my wife doesn’t pick up after herself, I would help but I am not happy so I don’t give a fuck. We can’t move because we can’t afford to and we both have decent jobs. We can’t buy our own place because I have a bankruptcy two years because I went to flight school and had a huge private loan to pay for it but couldn’t make the payments on it because I dropped out because I missed my kids and ran out of money and didn’t know what to do so I took the easy way out and came back home to where mommy and daddy were. Anyway that was in the past can’t do anything about that now, but last night my wife suggested we get our own checking accounts again because we don’t have any money any more… well Duh! Stupid… we now have daycare, more food, gasoline costs more, we eat out because she don’t cook, of course we’re not going to have any money!

God… Hmm… God… I love my God, yes I do. Sometimes though I have anger toward him. I question why things happen and get pissed off when I think about how things are in my life. For example, why are we living in this house we are in. Why do I have no hope that things will ever get better… Will things ever get better??? The way I feel right now of course is no. My mom and dad are selling the house that I grew up in and spent 20+ years of my life in. I know kind of why they are selling… I wish we could move the entire house though. It is because the neighborhood has gone to shit. Because we live in a lowerclass small town in California, and what does that equal??? Yup, little fucking tijuana… Complete with their drug gangs and everything. We have the crime rate of fucking Los Angeles. Everywhere you go, you’re lucky to hear ENGLISH! Everywhere you go atleast somebody is having a conversation in spanish. This drives me nuts… I can’t take it. This is the USA, not Mexico… Mexican’s think they own the place too. My dad hired some Mexicans to re-roof his house (yes, the one they are selling) and he had a big ol’ sticker on his back window of his truck that said “ESTADOS UNIDOS DE MEXICO!” WTF? United States of Mexico??? Thats what they want… They want Mexico to take over and they have already started the invasion, it is too late, it is hopeless. I have donated money to NumbersUSA and wonderful organization that is trying to get the US back to what it is supposed to be and stable, powerful nation. With the onslaught of mass immigration, legal and illegal it is causing overcrowding, congestion in our shools, crime, and lots of other problems that degrade the quality of life to people who are Americans and have lived here their enite life. It really is driving me crazy… I need to move out of California but CAN’T AFFORD IT!

I also feel the economy is pushing back on the lower class… More people are falling into poverty everyday. The gap between the rich and poor is increasing. I probably only feel this way because I AM ENTERING INTO POVERTY AND AM THERE BASICALLY! But with my conservative beliefs and republican background, I should not be thinking this way. But I am because I see! I am living proof.

I am tired of getting nowhere. Something must change. Maybe killing myself is a solution. Let me explain. I don’t spend much time with my children anyway because I am not a good dad. I am probably the one leading my family into poverty. If I am not a live I am positive my mom and dad will take in my wife and children. That would give them a better chance than if I had tried to suppor them on my own. So why not just die. It it a win-win for everyone. Except of course I am scared to death of going to hell and that will just blow the entire understanding that God and I have. So I know I won’t be doing that… But didn’t I make a valid argument?

Richard :: Jul.24.2006 :: Personal Thoughts :: Comments Off